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Thursday, May 6, 2010

There is a storm blowing in and it is absolutely glorious!!! Last night I sat on the porch at midnight and felt the weather change. I turned off all the lights (everyone else was in bed already) and just sat. I had lost my peace of mind over the past week and last night went a long way to getting it back.

On Saturday my dad phoned. That alone told me something was wrong (we talk over Skype usually) and every since I left home I've been expecting news about Maggie. They had to put her down on Saturday morning, the vet said she was bleeding eternally. Needless to say, I didn't sleep very well that night. Sunday, Andrea and I stayed home from church sick. But in the afternoon we all went to lunch at a friends house. They are Charismatic Christians (at least, I think its name) and I had some very interesting conversations. When faced with people like that I'm never sure what to say. I personally believe that simply praying for something doesn't automatically bring the thing about. You ask, and then God decides. But for them, if you ask and do not receive then your faith must not be strong enough. Kathy began feeling "odd" on the way home, we just got home in time for her to become violently ill. I took care of the girls until bedtime and after they were in bed, I turned my attention to her. I honestly don't know what she does when she gets sick ordinarily. The girls need constant attention/supervision.

On a happier note: Darius and David are gone from the hospital... because their parents came for them! Turns out there was something wrong with their house (my minuscule Romanian vocabulary doesn't allow for much detail) but they were both very happy to see the boys. Sometimes the parents come and you just want to snatch the babies back. Often the babies end up coming back anyway, sometimes on the verge of death. But these two seems like genuinely good people. The father smiled politely, but I don't think the mother even saw me... she was so focused on the boys. And David's face when his mother picked him up. David never smiled much, I think he has autism or something similar. But his whole little face lit up when he saw his mother.
An example of when you don't want to give the babies came today. Tibor's grandmother came for him. His mother wasn't with them.. because she's only 13 years old! The grandmother has ten children, the oldest in only 19, and they all still live at home. They have a one room house and when the children don't get enough to eat they substitute with garbage. Part of me hopes that they bring him back, but part of me knows that they will only do so if he gets incredibly sick. There's no happy outcome. All I can do is remember that for 9 days he was well fed, warm, and loved.

Today, I did something awful. I was holding Istvan. He had just eaten and was dropping off to sleep. He loves looking at me when he falls to sleep. Every now and then he'll crack one eyelid open and make sure I'm still there. I looked down at him and realized that I had been blatantly entertaining the thought of taking him home with me... as in home to Canada. I promised myself months before I came that I would never, ever let myself think like that. I'm not quite sure how to love a baby, know that you are one of the few people who has ever really shown him love, but somehow 'not get attached'. Kathy said that you get attached, you love them, and your heartbreak when they leave is the price for their happiness. And I am more than happy to live with that.


  1. Oh Kelsy! I am so sorry about Maggie. I am glad to have met her and seen her so happy in your home. It is so hard when a furry member of your family dies...I am sorry.

    I can imagine how hard it must be not to become attached to the wee ones there. Of course your heart breaks; you love. Glory to God for the love you give through the care you give...the greatest gift to the children with your prayers for them.

    It was good of God to send you that storm. Restoring.

  2. So sorry about Maggie! Take care and thank you for letting us know about your trials and your joy in your adventure.

  3. Dearest Kelsy,
    You are a beautiful, courageous, young woman and when you love life gets painful. God bless and keep you. I'm with you when you say that what we pray for and what the Lord does are not necessarily the same thing. But trust Him no matter what comes.
    Love in Christ Jesus,
    Mother Anna.

  4. so sorry you lost Maggie.

    Everyone here is praying for you while you are on your trip.